My bra is tight. My pulse is average and yet my heart feels fluttery. I have been 'trying' to study today. I was moderately successful. It's all relative. I think I want to apply to medical school. I am asking myself daily...is this really what I want? Doctor of Medicine. And yet. On the ward yesterday. Such a fierce lack of compassion. Frustration. It's just a job. I understand. I don't. There are many varied inputs into the 'healing' we receive in hospital. It's the nurses, it's the environment, It's the condition, it's all of this and more... it's money...but perhaps it's time - our most precious non-renewable resource. Building on lessons past: What happens when we slow down. Confront the difficulties of caring for difficult patients. And it is difficult. Difficult is not a THEORY. It is a CHALLENGE. And approaching challenges unprepared can often lead to FAILURE. And ain't nobody likes that shit. Let's focus on getting though the challenge. Because if weight can be lost and people can be cured and life CAN be fun and good. Then I am NOT joining you THERE. Turn down the shame and prejudice and turn up the fucking compassion. TURN THAT SHIT UP.
I went to my current* favorite gym class after finishing my assignment and working on my research paper. It is a high energy, high rep weight training group class. I am motivated by groups of sweaty people...what can I say. There is always a lot of people in the class and as such a swarm and often a bottleneck as everyone attempts to put their equipment away at the same time without poking eyes out with bars, or smacking others in the face with mats. Unlike how I try to carry 8 bags of groceries into the house from the car I attempted mindfulness at the end of class. I estimated the area that would have the least traffic in the put-away zone and I returned that (cardio deck) first. Then I gauged the success at carrying everything else over...low...so I took my time in gathering up the appropriate items to put away in some logical sequence. When I arrived with my hands full in the last trip, I was carrying an armful of heavy weights, some gadgets that stop the weights falling off the bar and the four stack of risers. As the weights were the heaviest I attempted to put those away first. Unfortunately, with full hands and sticky center pieces they wouldn't neatly fit on the rod. So, I had to re-evaluate. I swiftly realized that if I put the four stack away first I would free up my other hand to assist me with noodling with the weights. Odd place for an epiphany but I realized that sometimes I want to drop that heavy thing that I perceive as weighing me down. But if I consider alternatives, If I think of an alternate plan...put down some lighter things first, do those small things...then when I arrive at the weights I am well able to support them onto the rod...without dropping them, without damaging anything. And those weights that were so heavy in one hand, fit neatly in to two.
Wow. Today whizzed by. I was up early for my 7am shift at the hospital. I arrived on time. I took two daytime cold pills just to be sure I would make it through the day. It's a bit silly being sick around sick people but I am confident I am past the contagious phase. This time of year though...everyone's coming down with something. It's winter @ 20 degrees. But it is actually cold. If you know what I mean.
Mistakes. Today I made one. And then I worried about it for ages. I thought other people were talking about me. I thought I was going to get in trouble. Nothing happened. But something changed. My mind! I am used to being a capable adult and this going back to school as an adult has it's benefits (I don't mind studying!) but a big learning curve is accepting the limits of my knowledge and abilities. They are limited. And I really like being knowledgeable and capable. And being seen by others in that regard. But that is not what a workplace needs. People are not dummies, not toys...real people with real problems. I have been left looking foolish on a handful of occasions because I have operated outside of the bounds of my knowledge and experience...holding half the rope if you know what I mean. What is it to STOP, to think, to consider...should I do this? Why am I doing this? I am so scared of that question. Why am I doing this...hahaha...afraid that others will laugh, that others will condemn me for not knowing why so instead I charge ahead. All bull and horns. Respect. But think of the china! Breathe. You got this. Accept and appreciate the beginner. Respect the journey...xoxoxo nat |
AuthorI used to live in Canada, work in forestry and dream about a career in medicine. Now I am studying Nursing and Midwifery as an adult. Archives
September 2017
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